commentary

somehow the "christian worldview" has caused a huge deal of disaster and pain throughout history. and now i am asked to write papers and respond to questions from a "christian worldview." asking me how i utilized my "christian worldview" in nursing care. well that's what i get for going to a "christian" school. ummm, how did i utilize a "christian worldview?" how bout draw my blood and verify that i am a survivor of christian worldviews. all of my peoples died at the hands of "christians." go for it,  draw my blood.

pep

i am lucky and blessed. my heart is full. i have a crush on my boyfriend. now time to get in bed by myself and watch an old blackandwhite movie. my excitement about nursing school is MIA at the moment. stuff will work out for me. it will it will it will!

his mama

Today i went to the little local library to work on my paper. going to the public library in the middle of the day on a thursday is excellent for people watching/observing. lots of retired people reading the paper, checking out books, just hanging out. and then there's other students such as myself trying to make something of this life and of this human body. its a great hodgepodge. I sat down next to an older man who was falling asleep and waking himself back up while watching war movies on his portable DVD player with his headphones on. I guess you could call this man "disheveled" and one may draw conclusions that he is/was an alcoholic and maybe short of adequate resources in this life. His hair was matted, his face weathered, his tennis shoes muddy, his fingernails dirty, and his belly big. i wondered if this was an activity he does often; going to the library to watch movies on his DVD player. an activity to fight the loneliness. i imagined what kind of girls broke his heart and who's heart he had broken. i pictured any of those ladies who loved him so seeing him today, with his old dirty clothes and big scraggly beard and i wonder if they'd still think he was attractive and lovable. i also thought about how people will probably judge him by his dilapidated looks. he looked like an old falling apart house in a bad neighborhood. im sure he had a mother who loved him and thought him to be precious and wonderful. at one point he was young and full of dreams and couldn't even fathom a "portable DVD player." or maybe not. maybe his mom wasnt so nice and loving. maybe he's a great inventor who had the idea for a portable dvd player many winters ago. maybe.
all this thinking going when i should have been writing my paper.

true to trudell

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xbjzujo1Qx8

what was

i used to be a blob of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). like clinically. i really was a ptsd blob. no no, "ptsd blob" wasnt my diagnosis. i think it was probably something like "panic disorder with agoraphobia" and a good touch of ptsd. nasty shit. thank god im past that part of my life. growing up in a neighborhood where little girls are victims of drive by shootings and your street goes on lockdown by a SWAT team one christmas nite in the early nineties can do a number on the psyche. i remember pulling the covers over my head in the heat of summer, thinking and hoping that the blankets would serve as a shield from any stray bullets. and then there's the creepy people who seemed to come into my life and fuck with me. age 4 and then age 17. not great moments in life. but now the great moments are endless, so whats there to complain or mope about?????

really hot tea

so i absolutely love psychiatric nursing. so far. friday is the day of my mental health nursing rotation and it is a pleasure for me. others may feel intimidated or uncomfortable around those who are in the mentally ill category but i find great ease in approaching those who have a wound on their psyches. i think its because i  realize we're all just one beat away from "crazy." at least i know i am...sometimes. and in the past, im sure i was "crazy." psych nursing warms my heart and breaks it at the same time. true love.  it breaks my heart that it seems a good number of these patients in this particular psych hospital are just being warehoused, medicated, and then discharged. insurance doesnt pay for individual therapy for each of them, so their personal issues and hurts are not always explored and identified while hospitalized. its a load of crap i tell you.