yesterday's jabber

It’s a billie holiday kind of morning. Overcast, Sunday, just me. Thoughts, too many thoughts. Thoughts are not real. That’s a problem. We believe our thoughts make up our realities. And I disagree with that. My cup of green tea is real. My messy hair is real. Billie holiday’s voice in my CD player (I don’t do ipods) is real. Tiger still sleeping is real. Let’s keep it logical and rational, folks. Keep the illogical and irrational to the emotions. Whats real is that I woke up feeling quite lonely. Yes, living alone has its downs. The ups are many. The downs are few. But when they hit, it’s a good slug to the stomach. 

she's a gemini

so i'll be thirty this year. kinda excited and ready to bring on a new decade. the twenties were kinda.....painful. but almost a soothing kind of pain. seriously. like....the pain and inner turmoil became like big cozy couches. haaaa, i wonder if that has to do with the many therapist couches i sat on during my twenties!!! whoooohhoooo!  my brother got pretty drunk at my twentieth birthday and made a speech before i blew my candles out. he was saying something about how i was now committing myself to a new decade of life. and boy did i commit myself. commitment's easy for me. i can do it with my eyes closed and then BAM, suddenly ten years have passed. i think i probably moved at least 15 times during my twenties. many many addresses, roommates, neighbors, parking situations, rental agreements, landlords, boys and gentlemen, sketchy neighborhoods, foggy sunsets, houses without heat, homes with heart, thousands of dollars in rent money.....
but this is not what i was planning on writing about when i opened up my mac right now.
how about my tiredness that has trumped my motivation at this point.
how about how i love my life.
how about how i have tendonitis in my right forearm and typing hurts.
how bout that?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uhega1bctNk

"i had to lose myself"

at times, i truly wonder if my great grandparents look at me lovingly from the other side and think im absolutely crazy for putting myself through all this schooling. i do wonder.

rx for compassion

im into this kind of stuff.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b4L7FAEAdZE

today: organic breakfast, shower, video chatting, yoga, lunch, hike, farmer's market, studying. and more studying to come. abundance. gratefulness. whining. fatigue. weirdness. always. me. you.
tomorrow: grind. learn. love.

full moon

feeling lunar. learned today that some surgeons will not operate if its a full moon because patients tend to bleed more. thats how powerful the moon is. it affects our insides. it literally pulls at us. respect that beautiful sphere in the sky.
ughhh i was supposed to go to a full moon ceremony tonite at one of my favorite people's house but alas, school has spoken. i have to re-take a test tomorrow and i gotta gotta pass it. serio homes. this particular test requires math and you know how i feel about math. and if you dont know of the volatile history i have with arithmetic, well consider yourself informed! so no, im not going to pray to the mama luna tonite. im gonna practice IV calculations. all good. school is worth it. it has to be.
so yeah, tomorrow i have clinical (meaning i work a 6 hr shift at the hospital) then im off in the afternoon and thursday is my day off. not bad. not bad at all.
in case you were wondering, ive been sleeping very well. havent had insomnia in months actually. problem is, im so cozy and involved in my slumber that its hard to pull myself out of it. just one more dream, just one more please.
and i have one thousand full moons beating in my heart for a certain someone. and thats just how it is. thank goodness.

i want to be surrounded by this

i dont think i'd ever feel disgruntled again.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j4dMnAPZu70

throwing my arms up

anyhow, its my first day off of this second semester of grad school. started it off with a humble breakfast, shower, cosby show episode, and bit of internetting. gotta take tiger and his bff on a little nature walk so they can get their jiggle wiggles out and i can sip in some aroma of damp dirt.  yoga, giving tiger a bath (he's long overdue), studying, dinner with angela also fall onto my agenda.
a couple of mornings ago, my bedroom was filled with a fantastic pink light. it was the sunrise. but i also believe it was my grandma. it was too beautiful to be ordinary. she is now part of the great mystery above and all around us. thanks for the pink sunrise embrace grandma.
well, suddenly i became popular again and there are many social engagements that i am tempted to engage in this coming weekend, but we shall see how efficient i am with time. because you know....i gotta pound my head against my textbooks to make sure i understand and can articulate certain nursing concepts. and actually all i really wanna do is go and get my tattoo worked on this weekend.  i was telling gabriel last nite that i just wanna finish school so i can get a good job, travel good, eat good, and sleep good. that may sound ungrounded and selfish......but shit........
okay, i should drink some water and jet. whatta  lame word, "jet."

clear skies

there's a few things i really dont like about nursing school. obviously, i dont like instructors who design their classes to make you feel incompetent. please......im a grown woman (most of the time) who got herself a college degree and busted her butt to get her nursing pre-recs done-im not dumb. dont try to fuck with me and scare me with your unorganized, poorly thought out tests. if i wanted to feel dumb and belittled, i wouldve gone to med school.
and here's a special "hello" to my girl, nancy. she reads these words. i type the words. and i am happy for the use of my hands and for the technology of a computer. without writing this stuff down, it would get pretty cramped.

for real though?

ugghhhhhh, they werent kidding when they described my grad program as "accelerated, rigorous, and intense." first day of the semester and we're handed an 85 question pop quiz for a class that hasnt even started yet!!!! ayyyyyy, so long to the lounging evenings of tiger walking, dvd watching, leisure reading....
hello cramming, theorizing, cussing, pacing, reading, lack of sleeping. it's all good. i had to give myself several internal pep talks today, reminding myself of my true fortune and privilege to be a student in this "prestigious" nursing school. i love school. i really do. i dont love homework so much. i like my time to be my time. but alas......when you're a lowly student and you want the school to give you a degree so you can go out and pursue a legit career, your ass better obey! obey, i will.
being around the chatter and blabber of nervous nursing students has helped me tap into the zen within me. for reals though. cant engage in the frantic energy of nervous classmates. because gawd knows, i can be a nervous wreck if i give myself the permission to be. after years of nervous wreck detox, i gotta hold onto what little zen i may have cultivated.
and i want to sleep. and i want to hear drums. and smell fireplaces. and cuddle with my man. and eat gelato. and talk shit.
and i miss my grandma.
i have one grandma left. gotta see her soon.
love you.

what i read at the funeral

A Grandma’s love is priceless

Solid like fruit trees

Tender and sweet like apricot cobbler.

“Come on young’ins,” she calls to us in that warm New Orleans drawl, waiting to hold our hands with hers

Hands that raised eight children, cooked up adobo dreams, and handed a piece of her feisty mind to whomever bothered.

A Grandma’s love is priceless

Blunt like Mardi Gras

Consistent and graceful like a Catholic mass

Humble like Thanksgiving bellies full of pancit and southern humor.

A Grandma’s love is priceless

Thick like East Los Angeles history and insistent like Mama Frances’s vigilance on justice

Intentional and unapologetic like Crisostomo Christmas feasts on Muscatel Avenue

A Grandma’s love is fun like a New Orleans brass band, rainy day movies, off color jokes, and junk food parties

Festive and direct like black-eyed peas on New Year’s Day

A Grandma’s love is the soft and profound stare of her last days,

The lingering heaven-sent embrace.

Our Grandma’s love is priceless.