moments

life changes in an instant. completely turns itself upside down and inside out. never take the moment for granted. never take a smile for granted. never mistake joy for a given. joy is temporary. it is transient. as is life.
rest in peace grandma frances. the words, the typed words dont and cant describe the emotion, wonder, sadness, shock behind the words "rest in peace grandma frances."
i cry because i feel so incredibly lucky to be her granddaughter.
i cry because i am in new york and she died in california.
i cry for her hard life
i cry for the tears she shed for her sons.
i cry for the finality of death.

the miracle is you

provided comfort to a dying person all last nite and all day today. the dying person is my grandmother. yeah, im drained. and also filled with love. love is recyclable. a sustainable resource. the same people who dont believe in love are the same people who dont believe in sustaining our environment. when you trash our planet you trash your heart. but if you aint got love in that muscular organ beating melodically in your chest, why should it matter? right.
things took a pronounced downturn for grandma the day after christmas. us crisostomos came together and surrounded our big mama with love and support. her moans sounded like the kind of moans that a laboring woman belts out. birth and death. just a breath away.
oh and then there's the whole situation of me going to new york amidst this uncertain time of death and blizzards.
its not in my hands. im prepared for whatever. i got snow boots and thermals and i got my family's back and prayers. bring it on. whatever it may be. of course im hoping for the new york trip to go through, but like i said, i dont really have control at this point. i took down the christmas tree today. i was over it. taking down the christmas tree used to really depress me when i was little. today, it felt a little refreshing to put the holiday behind me.
now its time to chill out to some round dance songs and wait for the laundry to dry. then steam some broccoli and pack a bit for the cold winter in NYC. because im prepared, darnnit.

peace on earth

Afghans for peace. Sovereignty folks, sovereignty.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ror0qPcasM

take out the violins

Its exhausting to make Christmas something its not.  And I love holiday crap. I really do. But this year, man………….shit falls apart. And then its Christmas. And life is suddenly different. Your family begins to even look different. Of course I cannot divulge details on this blogalicious platform because as previously stated, personal matters remain personal matters between me and my loved ones. Not that you aren’t loved. Because you are. Because its Christmas, remember? 

and check this out!
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/19/books/review/Kinsley-t.html?_r=1&pagewanted=all

can i stop now?

today:
picked up cousin at long beach airport. discovered i had a flat tire. attempted to fix the flat and realized it was unfixable. left car at mechanic with a heavy sigh. spent time with the cat im cat-sitting. picked up car and left with new tire and slightly emptier wallet. took doggies hiking. breathed in aromas of wet earth, cool air, and crunchy leaves. visited brother who has flu and lectured him on flu business. went to farmer's market and supported local farmers and stocked up on fiber and antioxidants. hung out with cat again. went to bf's mama's house for merry making and a candyland game with his niece. home now. bloggy. now time for movie in bed. tomorrow: christmas eve.

the earth is saturated

tamales in my belly

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HrcPJ75zZso
lunar eclipse and winter solstice in the same 24 hours. great time to offer some prayers. but here i am, in my "dining room" writing to you. it's been raining for like 58948320483 days, reminding me of my first year in SF. damn, that year sucked. so happy i made it. i think tiger and i will find a patch of earth later today and put down some prayers into the sweet dirt.
been feeling all weird lately. dont know if its the excess free time or if there's something pathophysiological going on. i like to palpate my carotid arteries. next time i see you, i'll show you how to do that. it's your life force. well...sorta. but im a drama queen, and i like to make everything more important than it may actually may be. life is juicier that way. and sheeeeettttt, we only get one mi vida loca. supposedly......
kinda feeling like shit. my mental health wasnt so good yesterday. im gonna blame it on the progesterone. PMS week. progesterone is the emo queen. kinda dont feel like socializing much today. unless someone wants to completely entertain me. and i think i have a headache from all the tamales that i've been digesting lately. my ribcage is visible again. damn girls and their weight issues. will we ever be happy?! hellllll yeah! starting......NOW! okay, i love my body. i love my bony protrusions. (repeat after me ladies: "i love my body. i love my insert body feature that you usually battle with) I heard on the radio yesterday (i love talk radio okay. thats why i dont jump and down at the club when a radio song comes on. because it's probably my first time hearing it) that when you say something out loud, there's more of a possibility youre actually gonna get it done. its harder to ignore yourself when you verbalize. so i think i may start talking to myself more than before. like instead of thinking, "okay mari, time to shower" im gonna start saying out loud, "mari, get yo skinny ass in the shower!"
im gonna dress up like a bag lady and walk my pitbull around the hood. how often can you say you did that? damn, dont be jealous! haaaa! im a ton of fun to kick it with, too bad i feel antisocial so often. wish i had money in the piggy bank for some symphony or philharmonic. strings and horns and a conductor waving around the baton make me feel like its all alright. no money for that kind of therapy. so i'll just go watch chapelle show in my living room.
p.s. i get to see my bf in one week. nyc for new year's. brrrrrrrrrr. colddddd. but yummmmmmmmm. lovvvveeeee. despite all the bullshit i've been thru, i still feel like the luckiest girl. sigh.

yoga is my other boyfriend

Yoga is my other boyfriend. No matter how much time has gone by, there are still things in yoga I cannot do or understand. And I am still so in love with it. It engages me, challenges me, and loves me back. Not a bad relationship at all.

And life is like a pomegranate. Super messy, leaves you stained, tedious, but sooo good for you and worth it. Right now, my life is about the flannel sheets on my bed. I wonder if you have flannel sheets on your bed right now. I hate tap water. That sounds so spoiled and narrow but hear me out. There are so many toxins in that shit. We wash our clothes in it, bathe in it. All that chlorine, fluoride, and gasp-arsenic enters thru our pores. Well whatever. Maybe I do sound spoiled. At least we have “clean water” that doesn’t cause cholera epidemics.  Soon the days of having elders around who remember being able to go down to a stream and drink the pristine water will be gone. Im happy to be conscious of the disease causing compounds in our tap water but fucccck, it sure makes showering a different experience. And my flannel sheets…well, they’re just perfect.

            Its almost noon and im still in pajamas. Oh and the pajamas are flannel too. Damn, homegirl has the whole flannel theme going on! and did you notice I don’t use apostrophes unless Microsoft word inserts one for me. Some things you just gotta let slide. Like apostrophes. 

            I had my nursing school buddy Jackie pham (I like saying her whole name) over last nite. She sipped champagne while I sipped chamomile and we watched “the lovely bones.” Effin creepy. You remember, its based on that good book about the 14 year old girl who gets murdered by her twisted neighbor. I guess the movie is in the “thriller” genre. No, not MJ! Thriller as in scary movie, duhhhhh. If Jackie pham hadn’t been here, then I would’ve turned the movie off as soon as the scary music started. Im a total whimp when it comes to the creepy films. I don’t do creeps. No thanks. Ive seen enough disturbing shit and experienced an adequate amount of horror in my own la vida loca to wanna see it rendered on screen. But I wasn’t alone, so I was brave and watched the damn thing. Good movie. I’ll just never see it again. But you should. if you’ve suffered losing a loved one to a nasty murderous crime, maybe don’t watch it. Just saying.

            Well now it is past noon. And yes, im still in flannel.
cholera? yeah. alot of it. click.
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/18/opinion/18sat3.html?src=twrhp

            

santa clause vs. jesus christ

The book I just read about cleansing yourself of toxins (and there are many many many icky yucky foul toxins), strongly discourages having your laptop on your lap, esp. if youre female because of the radiation that may affect our precious lady-like organs. But alas, here I am, in bed with my laptop in my lap. What a brat.

            My lovely little nana with the innocent heart and soft hands that used to play piano loved her some jesus Christ. I guess she still does, its just not the topic of conversation with her anymore. My daddy, who taught me and my brother all about how we are from the land (we’re really made of maize, how bout them apples?), are made of earth, brown is beautiful, wearing my hair in two braids made his day kinda stuff; would send us to his mother’s house during our school vacations (that was an awfully structured run-on sentence. Apologies). Anyhow, nana loved having us. Microwave blueberry waffles for breakfast, bologna sandwiches on white bread cut into perfect triangles for lunch, and maybe some meat and frozen veggies for dinner with beans. Always beans. So around Christmas time, nana would explain to us how it wasn’t santa who brought us our gifts, it was actually jesus himself! I understand now that she was telling us this because she wanted to make sure we understood what Christmas was all about.  Christ before Clause! Don’t worship santa, praise jesus! But when she was explaining to me how it was jesus who made Christmas happen, I had these very amusing and confusing images of jesus coming down my chimney and delivering gifts. At the time, most of the images of jesus that I had were of him on the cross and quite bloody, crown of thorns and all. I mean, imagine jesus getting into a sleigh and commanding reindeer. It was all too strange. And I was the kind of child who held onto the notion of santa clause until it didn’t make sense to hold on anymore. I loved to and wanted to believe in him. How very indicative of the rest of my life…..hmmmmmm…so when I told my mom about what nana had told me about jesus coming down my chimney to bring me rollerskates and board games, she was not happy with her mother-in-law. Knowing my mama, im sure she found a way to have a poignant yet sarcastic word about this jesus vs. santa situation with her in-law.

            Nana is/was one of the most spiritual people I know. Thanks god for that. Seriously. She would explain to us that jesus is everywhere. Everywhere! Once again, the literal and imaginative brain of a child went to work on this image. I remember we were sitting at nana’s kitchen table when she told me this. And as she said the words, “jesus is everywhere,” I started to see him pop up everywhere: in the empty chair next to me, on top of the cabinets by the kitchen sink, in the doorway, sitting on nana’s head, in the pantry with the liters of soda and Mexican cookies, everywhere! This time, he wasn’t bloody and crucified. He was the jesus in the flowing red robe with the sacred heart.

            I think one of my “favorite” things about our native ceremonies (native, as in native American. Got it?) is how we sit in a circle. We’re able to see each other, hear each other, support each other. No rows and rows of congregation where the focus is on the man (or woman for those religions who have women as ministers/rabbis) speaking the word, no…when my peeps sit to pray, we are encouraged to focus on each other. Because what nana said is pretty much true. Divinity is everywhere.  Its in the eyes and hearts of my sister who sits next to, across from, diagonal from me in sweat lodge. And just like I need her divine nature and spiritual strength to help me get thru this world, she needs mine. It all makes too much sense. 

the warmth of my tree

christmas always has a little bit of melancholy. amidst and amongst the obligatory holiday cheer, there's a scent of loneliness. or maybe that's just me? i mean, i love living alone. but when i come home sometimes, i'm like "fuck, i'm alone."

im a blog virgen

Soooooooooo hiiiiii. dont expect much from this. my mom and my man tell me i talk too much so i took that as a cue that i need another outlet to blabblablab and blahblahblah. so like isnt it kinda weird that youre reading this and i dont even know you that well...or at all. super weird, right? so if i see you out and about (which may be considered a rare sighting) and you've read parts of this blog, dont stare at me all weird like you think you know me.
anyhooo, i just finished my first semester of graduate school. did you just feel the earth shake a bit? that was me, jumping for joy!! big on my agenda besides creating christmas merriment (totally serious) is to get back in shape and chilllllll. currently a "roseanne" christmas episode is on and i am a content gal.

I used to be a diary girl. i started keeping a diary at age 7 and then eventually, i started calling it a "journal" and now i have a "blog." for some reason or another, journaling seemed to hard to keep up with. and my hand hurts after writing too much. but then again, typing hurts my wrist and whole arm after awhile. doctor said it was tendonitis, but i beg to differ.
and yeah, i may be writing about boring tendonitis type kinda stuff on this bloggy blog. because....i cant get too personal on here. and yes, believe me, there is always personal stuff when it comes to me. im a personal personable person. that was lame.
well, i got a good one. while driving back from tiger's hike today, my mind drifted over to a recent time i got to spend with a grown son and even more grown father. they've had a rocky relationship complete with all the delicious dysfunction that a war veteran can offer his family. this war vet papa was telling us about war buddies he had that killed themselves after returning home from vietnam. i asked him what does he think kept him from taking that road (was that inappropriate of me to ask?) and he pointed at his son as a reply. he said it was his children that kept him from going  down the extra dark road. i felt so lucky to be sitting amongst such love. like real, solid, gnarly love. complete with dysfunctions, disappointments, hurts, histories...it was a real love. love so thick i think i could've cut it with a knife.