life changes in an instant. completely turns itself upside down and inside out. never take the moment for granted. never take a smile for granted. never mistake joy for a given. joy is temporary. it is transient. as is life.
rest in peace grandma frances. the words, the typed words dont and cant describe the emotion, wonder, sadness, shock behind the words "rest in peace grandma frances."
i cry because i feel so incredibly lucky to be her granddaughter.
i cry because i am in new york and she died in california.
i cry for her hard life
i cry for the tears she shed for her sons.
i cry for the finality of death.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
the miracle is you
provided comfort to a dying person all last nite and all day today. the dying person is my grandmother. yeah, im drained. and also filled with love. love is recyclable. a sustainable resource. the same people who dont believe in love are the same people who dont believe in sustaining our environment. when you trash our planet you trash your heart. but if you aint got love in that muscular organ beating melodically in your chest, why should it matter? right.
things took a pronounced downturn for grandma the day after christmas. us crisostomos came together and surrounded our big mama with love and support. her moans sounded like the kind of moans that a laboring woman belts out. birth and death. just a breath away.
oh and then there's the whole situation of me going to new york amidst this uncertain time of death and blizzards.
its not in my hands. im prepared for whatever. i got snow boots and thermals and i got my family's back and prayers. bring it on. whatever it may be. of course im hoping for the new york trip to go through, but like i said, i dont really have control at this point. i took down the christmas tree today. i was over it. taking down the christmas tree used to really depress me when i was little. today, it felt a little refreshing to put the holiday behind me.
now its time to chill out to some round dance songs and wait for the laundry to dry. then steam some broccoli and pack a bit for the cold winter in NYC. because im prepared, darnnit.
things took a pronounced downturn for grandma the day after christmas. us crisostomos came together and surrounded our big mama with love and support. her moans sounded like the kind of moans that a laboring woman belts out. birth and death. just a breath away.
oh and then there's the whole situation of me going to new york amidst this uncertain time of death and blizzards.
its not in my hands. im prepared for whatever. i got snow boots and thermals and i got my family's back and prayers. bring it on. whatever it may be. of course im hoping for the new york trip to go through, but like i said, i dont really have control at this point. i took down the christmas tree today. i was over it. taking down the christmas tree used to really depress me when i was little. today, it felt a little refreshing to put the holiday behind me.
now its time to chill out to some round dance songs and wait for the laundry to dry. then steam some broccoli and pack a bit for the cold winter in NYC. because im prepared, darnnit.
Friday, December 24, 2010
peace on earth
Afghans for peace. Sovereignty folks, sovereignty.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ror0qPcasM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ror0qPcasM
take out the violins
Its exhausting to make Christmas something its not. And I love holiday crap. I really do. But this year, man………….shit falls apart. And then its Christmas. And life is suddenly different. Your family begins to even look different. Of course I cannot divulge details on this blogalicious platform because as previously stated, personal matters remain personal matters between me and my loved ones. Not that you aren’t loved. Because you are. Because its Christmas, remember?
and check this out!
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/19/books/review/Kinsley-t.html?_r=1&pagewanted=all
and check this out!
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/19/books/review/Kinsley-t.html?_r=1&pagewanted=all
Thursday, December 23, 2010
can i stop now?
today:
picked up cousin at long beach airport. discovered i had a flat tire. attempted to fix the flat and realized it was unfixable. left car at mechanic with a heavy sigh. spent time with the cat im cat-sitting. picked up car and left with new tire and slightly emptier wallet. took doggies hiking. breathed in aromas of wet earth, cool air, and crunchy leaves. visited brother who has flu and lectured him on flu business. went to farmer's market and supported local farmers and stocked up on fiber and antioxidants. hung out with cat again. went to bf's mama's house for merry making and a candyland game with his niece. home now. bloggy. now time for movie in bed. tomorrow: christmas eve.
picked up cousin at long beach airport. discovered i had a flat tire. attempted to fix the flat and realized it was unfixable. left car at mechanic with a heavy sigh. spent time with the cat im cat-sitting. picked up car and left with new tire and slightly emptier wallet. took doggies hiking. breathed in aromas of wet earth, cool air, and crunchy leaves. visited brother who has flu and lectured him on flu business. went to farmer's market and supported local farmers and stocked up on fiber and antioxidants. hung out with cat again. went to bf's mama's house for merry making and a candyland game with his niece. home now. bloggy. now time for movie in bed. tomorrow: christmas eve.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
tamales in my belly
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HrcPJ75zZso
lunar eclipse and winter solstice in the same 24 hours. great time to offer some prayers. but here i am, in my "dining room" writing to you. it's been raining for like 58948320483 days, reminding me of my first year in SF. damn, that year sucked. so happy i made it. i think tiger and i will find a patch of earth later today and put down some prayers into the sweet dirt.
been feeling all weird lately. dont know if its the excess free time or if there's something pathophysiological going on. i like to palpate my carotid arteries. next time i see you, i'll show you how to do that. it's your life force. well...sorta. but im a drama queen, and i like to make everything more important than it may actually may be. life is juicier that way. and sheeeeettttt, we only get one mi vida loca. supposedly......
kinda feeling like shit. my mental health wasnt so good yesterday. im gonna blame it on the progesterone. PMS week. progesterone is the emo queen. kinda dont feel like socializing much today. unless someone wants to completely entertain me. and i think i have a headache from all the tamales that i've been digesting lately. my ribcage is visible again. damn girls and their weight issues. will we ever be happy?! hellllll yeah! starting......NOW! okay, i love my body. i love my bony protrusions. (repeat after me ladies: "i love my body. i love my insert body feature that you usually battle with) I heard on the radio yesterday (i love talk radio okay. thats why i dont jump and down at the club when a radio song comes on. because it's probably my first time hearing it) that when you say something out loud, there's more of a possibility youre actually gonna get it done. its harder to ignore yourself when you verbalize. so i think i may start talking to myself more than before. like instead of thinking, "okay mari, time to shower" im gonna start saying out loud, "mari, get yo skinny ass in the shower!"
im gonna dress up like a bag lady and walk my pitbull around the hood. how often can you say you did that? damn, dont be jealous! haaaa! im a ton of fun to kick it with, too bad i feel antisocial so often. wish i had money in the piggy bank for some symphony or philharmonic. strings and horns and a conductor waving around the baton make me feel like its all alright. no money for that kind of therapy. so i'll just go watch chapelle show in my living room.
p.s. i get to see my bf in one week. nyc for new year's. brrrrrrrrrr. colddddd. but yummmmmmmmm. lovvvveeeee. despite all the bullshit i've been thru, i still feel like the luckiest girl. sigh.
lunar eclipse and winter solstice in the same 24 hours. great time to offer some prayers. but here i am, in my "dining room" writing to you. it's been raining for like 58948320483 days, reminding me of my first year in SF. damn, that year sucked. so happy i made it. i think tiger and i will find a patch of earth later today and put down some prayers into the sweet dirt.
been feeling all weird lately. dont know if its the excess free time or if there's something pathophysiological going on. i like to palpate my carotid arteries. next time i see you, i'll show you how to do that. it's your life force. well...sorta. but im a drama queen, and i like to make everything more important than it may actually may be. life is juicier that way. and sheeeeettttt, we only get one mi vida loca. supposedly......
kinda feeling like shit. my mental health wasnt so good yesterday. im gonna blame it on the progesterone. PMS week. progesterone is the emo queen. kinda dont feel like socializing much today. unless someone wants to completely entertain me. and i think i have a headache from all the tamales that i've been digesting lately. my ribcage is visible again. damn girls and their weight issues. will we ever be happy?! hellllll yeah! starting......NOW! okay, i love my body. i love my bony protrusions. (repeat after me ladies: "i love my body. i love my insert body feature that you usually battle with) I heard on the radio yesterday (i love talk radio okay. thats why i dont jump and down at the club when a radio song comes on. because it's probably my first time hearing it) that when you say something out loud, there's more of a possibility youre actually gonna get it done. its harder to ignore yourself when you verbalize. so i think i may start talking to myself more than before. like instead of thinking, "okay mari, time to shower" im gonna start saying out loud, "mari, get yo skinny ass in the shower!"
im gonna dress up like a bag lady and walk my pitbull around the hood. how often can you say you did that? damn, dont be jealous! haaaa! im a ton of fun to kick it with, too bad i feel antisocial so often. wish i had money in the piggy bank for some symphony or philharmonic. strings and horns and a conductor waving around the baton make me feel like its all alright. no money for that kind of therapy. so i'll just go watch chapelle show in my living room.
p.s. i get to see my bf in one week. nyc for new year's. brrrrrrrrrr. colddddd. but yummmmmmmmm. lovvvveeeee. despite all the bullshit i've been thru, i still feel like the luckiest girl. sigh.
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