my mental health didnt feel so well today. gloomy cloud over my head kind of day. those days have become more frequent. call it a funk. a rut. a phase. yes, we'll call it that.
i've been able to identify two core fears driving these blues.
1. fear that i'll never be a ____ or _____
2. fear that i dont have what it takes to get thru this grad program that's consuming my life and maybe my sanity
see how honest i am with you?! damnnnnn, and what have you done for me?? just kidding...
anyway, these fears paralyze me sometimes on some days. to the point that i just wont study, wont do schoolwork, wont free myself from my preoccupations. this of course concerns me being an academic- integrity-kind-of-a-gal.
so im watching "goonies" and cooking dinner. im not even hungry. my appetite has been MIA which is also not a good sign. but i gotta eat. and i gotta study. but eating is more important right now.
i never realized that chunk is really the hero in "goonies." if they had listened to him in the beginning that the fertellis meant trouble, they wouldve been spared all the drama. but then again, what a great adventure. and he saves them at the end too, with sloth.
i liked what i heard yesterday from an old friend ("old" as in i met her in 2006. only 5 years ago, but shit, alot has happened since then), "we are the experts of our own experience." and how we are perfect the way we are in this moment.
how empowering.
What you are feeling is completely normal. Before finals I would go through weeks and days of denial and running away from the real work I had to get done. You will survive this. Maybe not totally intact but you will survive because you are a fighter my dear.
ReplyDeleteWell said friend. I struggle with this every now and then. I feel like I just wonder why I survived some things in my life and why I am still on this planet. You are an inspiration. I hope you know that...and you are beautiful and are awesome for watching the GOONIES! :) <3 u
ReplyDelete