oohh so this is how it all works

obligatory blog post.
maybe if i don't post anything for a long time, the blog will turn itself off. and no one would really notice. probably not even me. is forced creativity better than no creativity? and is "blogging" even creative? well, sure it is. it's writing just with a different name, "blogging." and if anyone challenges "writing" as a creative process, well they obviously have never fully surrendered to the process.
whether this is creative or not, i'm not gonna worry about it. but i will tell you that this morning i awoke with a joy that i haven't felt in quite a while. after many months (years?) of disappointments (maybe i'm being a bit dramatic but it all adds to the surrendering to creativity), i finally woke up this morning feeling like "oh, so this is where i'm supposed to be right now." truly. although i'm still broke and uninsured and no vacation planned, i just may be doing exactly what i've been wanting to do. snuggling all night and waking up and going to work to be a school nurse. not bad at all. actually, it's effin extraordinary.
I cooked a great dinner last night because i had the means and the desire to do so. means + desire = good shit.
i cooked squash soup, plantains, black beans and quinoa, and lemon chicken. the boy was happy. so was i. although i've been getting full easily and yet my tummy seems to be fattening up. i'm only semi-complaining about the tummy fat.
i really miss visiting new york. and i'm sad to hear that some of the city is underwater. if anyone wanted to fund a trip for me to go and do some disaster nursing, they should totally do it and i'll write a really nice thank you card and wish you nothing but good dreams and good meals forever.
i'm looking forward to more day of the dead festivities this weekend (hollywood forever dia de los muertos event was....dizzying. although the energy and love of the altars resonated with me despite all the outside noise and piles of people) and a little bit of yoga.  this is where i'm supposed to be right now. enjoying all of it.

vampire hours

i read somewhere that sharing details of your life with others activate happiness centers in your brain. and i'm all about increasing joy in my life. real, tangible, hardcore joy. we all need more of it. at least i do. but the thing is, the joy is already in us. we just gotta practice accessing it.
unfortunately, i don't have much detail to share with you right now. i'm waaay tired and it's waaay late. and i'm at work. since we last talked, i've taken up working night shift (formerly known as "graveyard" shift) and i sleep during the day and work at night, all night. many times, i barely sleep during the day so i walk around in a fog most of the time. foggier than usual.
it's back to the days of finding balance with my "outside" time. my "inside" time is pretty okay. i am the skilled introvert in an extrovert body. don't be fooled by the window dressing. my dad pointed out that i'm always on the go. he's right. but there's always so much to be done to feel whole. and i love my friends, and i wanna see them more. i have the next three days off from work. i plan on sleeping, eating, walking tiger, and maybe making it to trader joe's. hopefully something fun comes up.

tuesday

The holidays amplify and magnify dysfunction in families. ain't that the truth. Last night, my mother started her yearly frustration/depression surrounding the holidays. mostly due to her needs not being met. and who knows what else brings her down. we all carry alot of shit. some deeper than others. and my mother has always been half mystery to me. and half hero. and all love.

don't be stupid

”Love is never any better than the lover. Wicked people love wickedly, violent people love violently, weak people love weakly, stupid people love stupidly…”

-Toni Morrison

black swan

had a dream that i was a ballerina dancing on the brooklyn bridge. it was my favorite dream in a long time. the flow and effort that dancing on pointe shoes required hypnotized me. i was waaaay into doing spins and little leaps in my graceful ballerina steez. i had a tutu and all that. sigh.
birth, death, and dreams can bring us so much more perspective that we give them credit for. when you truly pay attention to your dreams, your deaths, your births, ALOT of shit doesn't matter quite as much. it can be hard to deal with the pettiness of everyone and the complainers and whiners, but really-it's all just temporary. and alot of the time, it's not up to us anyway. hope that made sense.

hiatus

there are many reasons i have abandoned the blog.
too may to count right now.
soooo....
just watch this!
http://youtu.be/nGeKSiCQkPw

haiku

in nana's backyard
the spring sun hugged us softly
and birds sung sweetly